- Other countries feel sorry for us
Quality T.V. shows like The X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent show us that it’s the losers who are the real winners. There’s nothing more likely to win public affection and votes than a good old sob story. The rest of the world is going to absolutely love us now.
- We have mastered the power of time travel
Think of all those times you’ve been well jel of those lucky bastards in 1985, who got to experience the pound dropping by 10%. Well don’t worry, you haven’t missed the boat because WE’RE PRETTY MUCH BACK! You can now look back nostalgically on better times and tell your grandkids, ‘I was alive when you could buy a bunch of bananas for £1.’ Think how wise and experienced it’ll make you feel!
- House prices are going down! And so is everything else
Although according to the FT house prices have actually gone up this June, predictions are that we are going DOWN. Gotta love economic disasters sometimes! Some people have been so excited to vote Brexit – the idea of a cheapo house – well, a less expensive house… SORTED FOR LIFE, RIGHT? Only problem is, the value of everything else seems to be going down, too! If your house is pretty much your savings embodied then… good luck! At least everything is going in One Direction… Oh wait, they broke up too. But Harry Styles has just signed a solo contract. We are basically Harry Styles. Except we’re not. We’re Niall Horan.
- You can place a bet on who the next Tory leader will be
So you thought you didn’t like Cameron? This is just like that bit in Harry Potter, when you think Snape’s the bad guy, and then along comes Volders and you realise there are far worse monsters out there. I mean, we could end up being governed by a man named BJ (oh wait looks like he’s saving standing for later so he can come in and save the day after the next PM screws it up), a woman who already has plenty of practice in sending immigrants home for a living, or a pro capital punishment warmonger, Justice Secretary Michael Gove. The best part is if you bet correctly on the next Tory leader, you might just win back that 10% you are losing from each pound! Plus, did you know that the word ‘Tory’ is thought to have come from the Irish ‘toraidhe’, which was used to describe robbers? Who would’ve thought?
- BJ owes us 350 million quid
Well, technically I guess it’s worth more like 315 mil now but hey, what’s a 10% drop in the value of the pound? Well now it’s clear that all that money from the EU isn’t going to the NHS, we can speculate on what worthy causes this money might go towards. Hair dye? Let’s remember one of the big news stories pre-Brexit was the shocking news that ‘Boris Johnson admits he dyes his hair’. Bikes for everyone? Covering the costs of the referendum? Golden goodbye to Dave? Beer fund for Farage? Lottery tickets? 350 million different things from Poundland? 35000 million penny sweets? Let’s face it; our NHS doesn’t really need any money anyway, now we’re getting rid of the immigrants. Think of all those trained doctors and nurses who can now take their jobs.
- We’re hanging on in there – we’ve not left yet!
So Article 50 has not yet been triggered! Article 50 is like that magic spell, that bit of hope left in Pandora’s box, that massive thing everyone’s talking about at the moment: ‘Any Member State may decide to withdraw from the Union in accordance with its own constitutional requirements’ (etc.)
Plus, this is our chance to now all become political Twitter poets, with trends like #WriteAPoemAboutBrexit:
We are down, so is the pound
But not yet legally bound
#Deprexit the tactics were shifty
Please don’t invoke Article 50
So whoever the next leader is needs to make that choice: Do I invoke Article 50 and go down in history as the person who potentially ruined the economy/UK? Or do I override the public vote and go down as that person who ignored so-called ‘democracy’? Either way, whoever the lucky PM is, they’re probably going to come out of it looking like a twat #GoodbyeBoris. I mean I don’t want him to die or anything, just to move to an island far, far away, where he no longer has any influence over anyone or anything… Oh wait, why does that sound familiar?
- Even then, we’ve got two years
Say Article 50 has been invoked, even then, we’ve got another two years until Britain actually leaves the EU, giving us plenty of time to emigrate to Europe (okay well maybe not Europe, that nice man from Brussels is already talking about banning all Brits) but at least to Canada/Australia/Mars.
- We fear the worst
It’s true, lots of us are in campaign mode at the moment, and that means we find our strongest remain arguments, imagine the worst-case scenario of leaving the EU, and passionately explain it to anyone who will listen. We don’t want to think about Brexit positively, because we don’t want to be mistaken for one of them. However, it probably won’t be as bad as we think… We can continue to keep our economy competitive by staying in the single market without being in the EU, and so continue to trade with other countries without restrictions or tariffs. This means we would still have immigration and be able to maintain diversity in the UK. According to Cameron, the EU want to maintain ‘closest links’ with the UK. In other words, we haven’t broken up with the EU entirely; we’ve just gone from being in a relationship to friends with benefits.
And even if it is as bad as we think… At least then more people will hopefully start to realise that scapegoating immigrants does not touch on the intrinsic problems in our government, and the need for overhaul will be clearer.
- Solidarity spreads and the bad brings out the best
What was that quote about how disaster can also bring out the best in people, restore faith in humanity, it’s how good people react to bad things that gives us hope? Something like that… Well the amount of people engaged in passionate political discussion is spreading and intensifying and it’s great… the amount of people realising their shared passions and loathings and the importance of including, welcoming and helping others. There’s even a new dating app being developed called ‘Remainder’ for – you guessed it – devastated people who voted remain and now want to make something beautiful happen in their lives.
- I believe that children are our future… and under 25s… okay and a few more great people
As much as I giggle, and then immediately feel guilty, when I read posts from people swearing they will push the next old person they see off their mobility scooter, I realise it is probably not fair to blame this all on the oldies. I mean there are lots of golden oldies out there who are just as devastated by the result, like my wonderful Grandma. However… Shout out to the 75% of young people who voted to remain! Yessssssss! Shout out to all the kids who have been comforting their crying classmates worrying they will be deported. Shout out to everyone who has shouted out, spread the word, of welcoming and valuing immigrants and embracing others without question or judgement.